When I say “Become what you are, not someone else,” I don’t mean “stay the same and never change” I explicitely mean, “Don’t mask your active feelings and expressions behind an idea of who you ought to be. However you are, let it be true.”
this is like the dumbest thing in the world to write about a 24 yo with zero children who set out on a ridiculously dangerous expedition to record animal behaviour in the wild
aren’t gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn’t maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall
Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.
Well unless the mall is his native territory I think I’m fine, I wasn’t planning on smiling at him
This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.
Misguided! I would much rather have a mallmate I can easily see and hear coming. I’m confident I can stay out of the gorilla’s way, but if I step on a snake or one otherwise gets the jump on me, it’s all over.
It’s not just about the physical danger either, it’s about my mental health. One gorilla, unless he’s actively mad at me, I just keep a healthy distance between us and make sure I never get trapped. With the snakes, it requires a lot more constant vigilance
They should substitute “chimpanzee” for “gorilla” in this hypothetical.
if it was a chimp i’m taking the fucking snakes
Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I’m not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.
Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.
a little-known birth control method is tracking down and starting a fight with that twitter user who casts the “may your womb be barren” spells on everyone she dislikes
OKAY I’M SORRY SHE GOES BY YARROW NOW
Should I get into the Ghost Harem™️ or is it too much
you can’t just mention a ghost harem and NOT elaborate!!!
Okay, so the short version is she thinks she communes with the deceased and demons and stuff because she’s a super-cool satanist pagan witch with a catgirl succubus persona named Chordeva in the astral realm or something, and so she has four boyfriends who are dead including Heath Ledger, Richard “Nightstalker” Ramirez, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Michael Jackson.
She also used to “speak” for them online by channeling them through her body so they’d use her to type (and she did this for Satan too and it was as cringe as you’d expect) and basically Michael Jackson is genderqueer and fucking Richard Ramirez from beyond the grave and they’re all fucking Stephanie too, and at one point Stephanie split up with Michael when he wanted to save his deceased father from Hell and he got the astral child in the ghost divorce, but that’s fine because she thinks she can get AIDS from having sex with ghosts so at least Michael isn’t getting AIDS while he’s dead.
And there was the time she used Richard’s name to send (google translated) Spanish death threats to people, and used Michael’s name to say the N-word because she thought it made the act more convincing. She groomed a group of minors on DeviantArt (me included) and had people calling her “daddy,” and that only stopped because she got in a fight with one of the kids who happened to have a heart condition and had to go to the hospital because of the stress, and then Stephanie took credit for sending Michael’s spirit to pull the girl’s soul out of the afterlife, and when you lowkey kill a disabled teenager from another country and take credit for saving their life other people start to notice and so she got doxxed and now her parents (who she still lives with in her 30s) won’t let her use DeviantArt ever again.
That was longer than I intended but there’s just…so much…
